Hello everyone and welcome to my blog! Here is the link to my storybook as well:
indianepicsstorybook.tumblr.com. And if you want to read the original story that inpsired my storybook here is the link:
https://indianepicsjoanne.blogspot.com/2016/09/story-end.html. Happy reading!
I peaked at your StoryBook a little early in the semester, but Whoa! It looks great! I like the layout and look of tumblr, it looks so clean! Also, your introduction is *very* intriguing! I'm definitely going to have to check back in on it -- poor Rama, and Lakshamana has hidden himself away? What happened? I was pleased to see where you included the thoughts of the happy home that he used to have versus what he now has, that was a nice touch of contrasting images that really set the stage for the downfall.... I can't wait to see how he got here!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I'm really glad you like the layout; it's why I decided to use Tumblr rather than Google Sites. If you want more backstory about the introduction, you should check out my story called The End (one of the earlier ones I think) which is a sort of companion/inspiration for these Storybook stories.
DeleteHi Joanne, Your introduction did a great job of pulling me in. The layout was clean and simple which made reading the story easy without distractions. I'm glad you used Tumblr for your storybook. My favorite part of the intro was when you contrasted Rama's current living situation. I could clearly picture the beer bottles being replaced by toys in his memory. It made me sad for Rama. I’m curious how the TV commercial ties in/ will tie in with your Storybook. Is that an important aspect of your piece? If you do, it could be interesting to have something about Rama’s reflections while he’s watching the movie (or even just the trailer like you did in your intro) about himself and have him have a dialogue about how his real life was so different from the adventurous stories that the movie/trailer portrayed. Also, are you planning on only sticking with the Ramayana or are you going to introduce new characters/stories? New characters/stories from other books could really diversify your storybook. Off to a great start! Can’t wait to read more.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I really liked the flexibility and look of Tumblr which is why I picked it over Google Sites. Actually, I had not really planned to tie in the TV commercial further in my Storybook. It was just a convenient hook into the story, but good idea about maybe having him watch the movie! I'll have to see about maybe incorporating that. I wasn't really planning on branching out mostly because the story is very focused on the Ramayana, but we'll see! Maybe I'll be more ambitious later.
DeleteWhat an enticing introduction! It really makes me wonder what happened in Rama's life in the last few years. Why is his brother hiding away? What happened to Sita? High-heels? Were there kids? Grand-kids? I have so many questions! The fact that the ad on TV is about Rama might be able to play into his "journey to the past"... if he can watch actors portray the struggles and trials that he and his brother went through, maybe he'll be inspired to become that hero again? I think it would be really interesting if you attempted to tie that movie in! Although, that is quite possible already what you're intending to do. I also like your writing style; it is very descriptive, and really enables the reader to create a vibrant image of what the scene looks like. All in all, this looks like an excellent beginning and I'm excited to check back in as the semester progresses.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading some of the other comments, I'm apparently not the first to have the idea about the movie. :)
DeleteThank you so much! I'm really glad you liked the introduction! After seeing all the other comments about the movie, I'm thinking about tying it in somehow, but it wasn't in my original plans! I was a little surprised by how many people seemed to think it was more important than it was!
DeleteI really enjoyed reading your introduction! It did a great job of pulling me in and making me want to read more. I have not spent much time around Tumblr but yours was very easy to navigate and simple. I did not have any trouble finding your story or getting lost on your page.
ReplyDeleteI liked in your story when you were making the comparisons of trying not to see the beer bottles or empty pizza boxes or the dust that covered the tables. I could clearly picture this setting and that might be because it is how some of my roommates live.. Anyways I enjoyed the descriptiveness of that aspect and it made me feel sympathy for Rama. I was wondering if you were planning on only talking about Rama as being the only character or if you were planning on incorporating more characters. New characters always bring in more action and help change stories! Overall, I really enjoyed reading this and I think you are off to great start, I can't wait to read more!
Thank you so much! Haha, some of my roommates' rooms could definitely be the inspiration for that scene! Rama will definitely not be the only character though! I want to incorporate some about Lakshmana as well and Sita of course.
DeleteHi Joanne! I'm glad you also chose the tumblr platform because it's such a pretty and versatile way to create a site. I can't wait to see what you do with it from here on out.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your intro, I really enjoy your writing style. The descriptions were so vivid and it was very heartbreaking to see Rama's fall from grace from his point of view. I hope that we'll soon get to know what happened to Sita and the children and where Lakshmana went. Also, I see that others have already pointed out the TV commercial potentially playing into some of Rama's conflict. Do you think that it may add to his bitterness? Actual events from his life are being dramatized by actors who could never know the full depth of the hardships. While the public is glorifying his past, is there anyone to help him through the present?
Thanks so much! I do really like the layout with tumblr; it's very pretty. I figured that the commercial would make him more bitter because he can remember the glory days and realize how far he's fallen, but I really did not have more plans to include it. I may have to though after all these comments!
DeleteHi Joanne!
ReplyDeleteThe format and presentation of your storybook is perfect. I don't have a tumbler so I don't know how it is, but after viewing your storybook, I really enjoyed tumbler. I really like how you focused on Rama, and did not fail to describe him in every aspect. I want to know what happened to Rama to make him change from something so great, to almost a bum. Since you talk about him thinking of what went wrong in his past, will you be writing about not just how it was great but how became great? What problems did Lakshamana and Rama face that he promised life would be better now> This is the first story book I have read that changed stories into a movie. With this, I was able to imagine all the different things that were happening the setting of Rama's house. Keep up the good work, and I will definitely come back to read more.
Thank you so much! Yes, I also really like the layout and customization of tumblr. I will be going back over his past and showing what exactly caused his fall from grace and also some of his earlier glory days.
DeleteHello Joanne!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your introduction it was very simple to read and the overall layout was very relaxing to me! This is the first story I have read that was on tumblr platform so I thought that the way you set it up was very clean and awesome looking! Your introduction was very well written and intriguing to me. You wrote about a lot of interesting ups and downs that Rama has experienced in his past and present. You left me wondering what the TV commercial has to do with the story which I am looking forward to tuning back in to find out! I also wonder why Sita had left and why Lakshmana is in hiding. Is it because of something that Rama did? Or is it because of something that Rama failed to do? I really enjoyed the introduction that you wrote for us! Looking forward to more!
Thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked the tumblr layout because I spent way too much time on that, haha. So many people mentioned the TV commercial, haha. I guess I'm going to have to find a way to incorporate that further! You'll definitely find the answers to all your questions in later stories! :)
DeleteI absolutely loved your introduction! It was very easy to read and the way you brought Rama's situation to life was amazing. I could see the scene happening through the eyes of Rama, and I felt so sad for him. Your ability to portray that and make the reader become part of the script was my favorite part of the story. You told us about how Rama's "hero life" (or the sections we read) used to be. I want to know how he went from being his invincible hero to broken down and losing everything. Your introduction entices me to come back and learn more about what happened to my favorite hero.
ReplyDeleteThe loved the colors of your layout and how you presented each part of Rama's story. However, I think adding more images would boost it up. It might just be because I am a visual person, but thats just my tip for your story!
Aw thank you! I really wanted to show him at one of his lowest points here so everyone can wonder what happened so I'm glad I intrigued you! I tried to emulate the colors in some of the older illustrations for the Mahabharata so I'm glad you noticed and liked them! I'm going to be adding more images for the individual story pages but I hadn't really thought of adding more images in general. I'll have to think about it more now that you suggested it though!
DeleteSo based on your title this is not what I was expecting. I love the setting you laid out for us readers. I especially loved when Rama was reminiscing before everything went wrong, you added some powerful imagery in there! The first paragraph in the intro interested me because I want to know why there's a movie being made about Rama and Lakshamana now. I also saw you had other tabs where I'm assuming will be more parts to your story. They all looked investing to me. and I can't wait to watch you bring them to life. I also am eager to find out how Rama ended up this way and if he can find a way to get the life he had back. I think you've set this up to be a very successful and intriguing storybook. I'll have to check back in and see how it unravels!
ReplyDeleteHaha, I didn't even notice how misleading my title might be! I wanted to have that superhero vibe so I tried to pick a stereotypical superhero TV show title. They're kind of celebrities in this universe, so that's why they have their own movie! I'm glad you liked the titles and blurbs for the stories so far! I actually wasn't sure if I liked those titles but I think I do now! Glad you liked it!
DeleteI'm back again! I had such a great time reading your first story and I really do think you nailed the action-adventure script. I still haven't actually watched Watchmen, which I'm assuming is what you're continuing with as the superhero-ish reference, but Rama and Lakshmana as a vigilante duo who stake out dingy dive bars is a neat image, and something about Shurpanaka as a cunning femme fatale who leaves glittery, lipsticked notes really does it for me.
ReplyDeleteA part that confused me just a bit was near the end was when Lava was asking about what really happened. In the cinematic version, is the part where Lakshmana hurls her through a wall during the bar scene or afterwards? Will we get a little more of the retold series so we can judge the discrepancies ourselves? And when he talks about the bodies in pools of blood, is that at a later encounter since Shurpanaka fled after they escaped? I'm assuming it was left intentionally vague, but these were just some of my questions.
Thank you! Yes, the superhero references still relate to Watchmen, but you really don't need to see the movie to fully understand it (although you should!). I'm glad you liked how I changed the characters! I just feel that Shurpanakha gets so pushed aside except at the beginning that I wanted her to have a bit more focus and initiative. In the cinematic part, that would have been afterwards, in their fight at the abandoned office building. I should have made that a little more clear but I was running against my word limit, so I'll work on that next time! The bodies are at a later date that I will try to elaborate on in the next story! I did want it to be a little vague but it turned out more vague than I wanted because of the word limit unfortunately.
DeleteHey Joanne, I really love the direction you've taken with this one. You do a great job with your writing on these and it's been quite a bit of fun seeing your pieces throughout the semester. I have to say right off the bat that I really like your formatting choices on your storybook. It looks excellent and makes the piece much more visually appealing and approachable for the reader.
ReplyDeleteAs for the actual storybook content itself, I think you're making good headway with it. I only have one main over-arching concern and that's that often I feel that parts can be a bit vague. You could probably benefit from fleshing out each of the components just a bit more. Add some more visuals, more colors, more descriptions. Let the reader really see what you want them to see instead of them having to guess at times. You're the storyteller here so take us by the hand and lead us along for the journey.
Thanks so much! I'm really glad you like the formatting cause I worked so hard on that! Yeah, I have a lot of problems with trying to be mysterious and just coming off as confusing and vague, but I tried to fix that in the revised story! Hopefully it is less confusing and has more descriptions.
DeleteWe finally meet! I've been visiting your blog for inspiration since I am also using Tumblr as a platform. Because of your blog, I finally gave up trying to make the redirect blog posts work. However, before today I had never actually read your stories. The title came off as another cliche retelling of the heroes, but boy was I wrong!
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of your blog and the first story is great! I particularly like the tough, mysterious your characters are. The dialogue and plot seem more vigilante cop or old- school detective than superhero to me, but it's captivating either way. I wonder what evil business Lanka enterprises would be involved in, and how do Rama and Lakshmana get the address? Perhaps this could be a chance to briefly include Hanuman (my favorite character). I also really like the dark, depressing reality of the heroes' lives now. It would be interesting to make the present-day plot be a larger part of your stories.
Thank you so much! I wanted the kinda cliche superhero TV show title for the blog haha to kind of subvert the assumptions so I'm glad it kinda? worked. I clarified a bit more of what happened in my revised story so check it out if you have time! I actually didn't think about including Hanuman yet but now you've got me thinking! Maybe in the next story.
DeleteOn the Introduction:
ReplyDeleteI immediately imagined Rama with a beer-gut, but when I saw the photo you attached at the end, my image changed a little. This is shaping up to be a seriously sorry story! Clearly we're not looking at an ancient Indian setting; I'm exciting to see how you've re-positioned the story.
One place for possible revision: "It had teemed with noise and energy"--It took me a couple of read-throughs to realize that this isn't talking about the moment just prior to the TV turning off. Maybe signal that by indicating that we're talking distant past here ("Once/A year ago/A long time ago, it had teemed...")
On Diabla's Revenge:
AWESOME. I absolutely love this setting and concept. The detective/buddy cop trope is immediately identifiable, and lets the reader jump right in without much preamble.
Possible revisions: Shurpanakha falls to the floor when pushed and inexplicably exclaims, "My face!" It isn't too hard to imagine her head hitting something or other on the way down, but you might want to provide that detail yourself so that the reader doesn't have to.
Also, the action sequence at the end of the RR office happens quickly enough that I missed where Shurpanakha went. She heaves them out the window, and all of a sudden the guys break free. They immediately look out the window--why? Did Shurpanakha jump out of the building? Or did she vanish into the shadows inside somewhere?
Finally, I'm really into the twist of dark realism you added at the end, when Lava asks Rama what really happened. I'm excited to piece together the "real" story at the end of all these actions episodes.
Thanks for the story!
Thanks so much for your comments! Haha, I actually did not picture him with a beer gut but now I can't get that image out of my head so thanks for that. Ooh, thanks for pointing that out for the intro, I'll see what I can do to fix that. I revised the story quite a bit to eliminate some of the confusing parts so hopefully you can check that out if you have time!
DeleteYour storybook was so good! I liked how you changed them into a superhero and villain theme. After I read I introduction, I knew I had to read more and see what actually happened to them. You have really modernized the entire thing, which made it very easy to read and understand. I love the pictures you added and the little details that made it seem like a real crime story going on. Your story is so realistic if you think of it in terms of a movie. I could actually picture it in my head as I was reading it. I am looking forward to reading the rest of your stories.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
DeleteI really like this storybook. While there are a lot of adaptations that put Rama, Sita, and the other characters of the Ramayana in a modern setting, I haven't seen any that did this and made Rama a somewhat unlikable figure. True, he's down and out, but letting people shove seemingly innocent women doesn't seem like something the original Rama would have done. Nor would Lakshmana likely shove women.
ReplyDeleteThis story has a sort of "film noir" tone to it. I can easily imagine Rama as a heavy-drinking, Humphrey Bogart-esque private eye. On the other hand, Rama is a sort of Superman in that he's incredibly powerful.
I would suggest adding a bit more backstory to the introduction. What exactly was Rama? Given the TV show, it seems at first like he was only a TV star (watching reruns of his own show). You could offer some details on this background and say what his previous career was. It would help make the narrative more direct.
I'm intrigued that you found Rama a bit unlikable haha although the shoving might be a bit out of character. The idea behind the introduction and storybook was to be more background for one of the other stories I wrote so maybe I could link to that for more background info? Sorry if it was a little confusing but he was more of a superhero and not a TV star only.
DeleteHello Joanne! Really enjoyed reading your Diabla’s Revenge story! The entire story moved very well. A lot of action and detail about what was going on was very well written! I am pretty intrigued about what all they are looking to find once they get to the bottom of the notes they keep finding! For the most part I thought you did a great job of setting up the scenes with a lot of detail so the reader could really picture what was going on! The end part once they got into the RR office was the only part that I saw that went a little too fast for me. I had a little trouble following what exactly they were doing towards the end of that scene. However I am looking forward to reading the rest of your storybook. The plot that is unfolding seems to be a very action packed and dramatic which is exactly what I like to read! Great job!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I tried to make it a little less confusing so sorry if it still ended up being a bit rushed! Will look into making it smoother.
DeleteHello Joanne! I really like the modernizing that you have done so far in the story. It makes it fun and interesting to keep up with. I enjoyed reading the Diabla's revenge. It was awesome and loved the concept of it. I always enjoy stories that go into detail and I felt like you did a great job of including The only part that I felt like needed editing was the ending part of the story. I felt like it was jumping around a little bit and certain aspects were lost that could have been shared.
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to reading the rest of your storybook and have enjoyed it so far! The plot is moving along very well and I love the details.
Thank you! Yes the ending needs a bit of work. I will go back and take a look at that!
DeleteHello Joanne! I like that you are keeping the story quick and simple instead of dragging it out and making it longer than it needs to be. The one thing that did keep bothering me while reading your story was how the words at the end of a line would continue on the other line. I wish the entire word would be on the next line. In my opinion it would make it easier to read. I do like the whole action hero vibe of the writing and I adore Lava! I hope we get to see more of him! Will Sita make an appearance as well? Keep going with the same tone though. It works wonderfully! I can't wait until Ravana makes an appearance. I have only read "Diabla's Revenge." Good luck with the rest of your stories! Great job! I can't wait to read about what happens next!
ReplyDeleteI didn't notice that it was doing that! I'll try and see what I can do to fix it. Thank you!
DeleteHi Joanne! This was my first time reading your storybook, and immediately I could tell that it was a website for a movie. Are you planning on going along with this theme? If so, the stories you write could be "previews" to the movie or something. Reading Diabla's revenge was so much fun! At first the reader might be wondering who they're looking for, if they haven't read the introduction, but you did a great job with this modernized story of Rama and his brother. Soorpankaka as the Black Widow was a great choice, and the imagery you built made the reader feel as if they were reading a James Bond story. The lipstick, the note, the brothers waking up and realizing they were captured--all amazing forms of imagery. And the artist's rendition of Black Widow was a good choice for the image to go along with your story. I can't wait to come back and read more of your storybook!
ReplyDeleteThat wasn't exactly my intention, haha, but everybody seems to really want the movie to be a larger part! I'm not sure if that will happen, but we'll see! I'm glad you liked the imagery because that was definitely the vibe I was going for!
DeleteThis is a fantastic storybook! I’ve never used tumblr before, despite being an enormous nerd, so it was interesting to visit your site. I like the layout, although having everything kind of smushed into a narrow column was a little weird. Not bad, just weird. I really like the setup of your storybook. It kind of reminds me of one of the weekly stories that I’ve read, but you’ve definitely got more imaginative details. I like that you decided to put Rama and his stories into the modern day, after Sita left him. And having Lakshmana in hiding is a cool choice too! I’m really looking forward to returning to your storybook later in the semester so I can start reading the stories. I don’t really have the time for it this week or I would have gone a headed and jumped into the first story. I think I’m late enough that there’s no real need for negative feedback too, because I didn’t see anything wrong with your introduction!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I don't really like the smushed look either, but unfortunately it was the only way to fit both the picture and the intro on the front page. I'm still trying to find a better way to organize that but I'm also afraid to disturb it in case I make it worse, haha. Anyway I'm really glad you liked the intro! I hope you like the stories as well!
DeleteHi Joanne! I really enjoyed reading your story book. The introduction definitely caught my attention. I am trying to imagine myself if I were famous on tv after maybe some sort of scandal. I would definitely shut it off and not want to listen at all! I couldn't stop reading after the introduction and I just had to know more about what your storybook would be about. I really like that in your story, you put italics on certain words to create emphasis. The imagery details that you used are fabulous! I feel like I can really see these events playing out in front of me, especially the scene where Shurpanaka first walked into the bar. Great use of dialogue among your characters! It really feels like an action adventure comic book with all of the dialogue! Your story is longer compared to others, but I didn't have a hard time keeping up. I look forward to reading more about the shenanigans of Rama and Lashmana!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! Hope you like the rest of my stories!
DeleteI was quite excited to return to your storybook this week! I read your second story, Elysium. Firstly, where did you get that name? It sounds so cool. This story is just as good as the first and your introduction. I like how you kept the theme going and incorporated Hanuman as a man with a monkey tattoo. I think this story is a little too disjointed, and that's what is causing your problems with continuing the movie theme and your length. Perhaps, you could just cut out the part where Hanuman leads Rama and Lakshmana through the streets. Instead you could condense that into one paragraph and include it in the section that talks about actually saving Sita. For instance you could say "Lakshmana and I waiting in town square tonight. Last night Hanuman led us..." Right now that transition is what needs the most work because I could barely understand what was going on. Then you would also have a lot more room for details in those actions scenes.
ReplyDeleteElysium is the ancient Greeks' heaven basically! It's where all the best mythological heroes went to live out their days in paradise. I wanted to have that evocative, heaven-like feel in this story because this is where Rama meets Sita, finally. I included that section because I wanted to have Hanuman's leap in there somehow, but I'll go back and try to make it more understandable! Thanks for the suggestions!
DeleteHey Joanne! I don't think I've ever gotten a chance to read over your storybook. I think this is a gread storybook though! I always get amazed at these storybooks because it seems really difficult to think that far ahead, so when ever I get a chance to read a storybook, I get excited! Your storybook, is one of my favorites. I love how you decided to tell stories of Rama and Lakshamana. I think those two are a great example of loving brothers.
ReplyDeleteI espically loved "Diabla's Revenge". I think my favorite part of this story was the word choices you decided to use. I am a very visual person so all the imagry you used. My favorite part was when you described Rama's situation after he woke up (the paragraph after the second set of asterisks). I love this because not only did you use his visual clues, you described how and what he was feeling. I think you did such a great job!
Thank you so much!
DeleteHi JoAnne! It's been 2 months since I've checked into your StoryBook, and wow! You've done such a great job with these stories!
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused with which story to go to first after reading the introduction, due to the way it's laid out, so I went with Diabla's Revenge.
"In the distance behind her, both of them could see their target duck out of the room, surrounded by bodyguards, and hurry towards the exit." target duck? Is this spy terminology I don't know about? Is this an actual duck? Also, it seems hurry needs to be hurried to match the tense of surrounded.
Justice: I think you could remove these two sentences to drop your word count if you're still needing to, and the story would read just the same. I feel you though, I hate editing down! "Only his chest rose and fell now, helped by the white box to his left. There were so many tubes and machines hooked up to him that Rama felt he looked more machine than human."
On your Author's Notes, you keep referencing a popular movie that this all is sort of linked to, but I think I missed the name of the actual movie? Did I miss it? I'm not too familiary with comic book characters, so none of this screamed one particular story line from comics to me, honestly, it reads more like Jessica Jones throughout the whole thing, especially the RR carved into the doorknob of a discreet looking door! I personally love the whole Jessica Jones vibe of the whole thing, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's a Netflix Original series that is fantastic!
Oh, sorry about that! I wasn't really sure how I should make it clear that Diabla's Revenge is the first story, but I hoped the usual left-right convention would help. In that sentence I actually meant that the target ducked down and left the room, haha, but I can see how that would be confusing! I really like those two sentences though :( I'm still good with the word count now, but if I need to add more, I'll consider dropping them! That is actually a reference to the introduction where I have Rama watching a movie version of himself. Everybody really loved the concept and wanted more but it became less feasible to put it in over time. But speaking of Jessica Jones I have heard of it and need to check it out sometime! Thanks for the suggestions!
DeleteI love your story! I was immediately hooked from the introduction. I like that it started with a very somber introduction, and transitioned into an action-packed storybook. I love the heroic theme. It is very fun to read and it flows very well! I love that each story was different, but had just as much action and adventure as the one before it. I was definitely never bored! You developed your characters very well and I really enjoyed the entire storybook!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I had a hard time with was that some of the words are cut off and finish on the next line with no hyphen or anything signaling their separation. I’m not sure if it is just my computer having this problem with the layout, but I wanted to let you know!
Overall, I really enjoyed your storybook! It was so much fun to read through. I will definitely be back if you decide to add another story. I can tell that you are really passionate about and dedicated to your work. Great job!
Thank you so much! Oh I had no idea that was happening! I'll take a look and see if there's anything I need to fix because I haven't seen anything like that on my screen.
DeleteI just wanted to start of this comment by saying that I love the idea of using Tumblr for your storybook venue. Your entire layout looks very crisp and all the stories were very accessible. As for your title, I really like the ring it has to it. It sort of reminds me of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. Diabla's revenge was a fantastic story. After reading your author's note, I think you successful gave this sort of superhero vibe in the interactions between your characters. The note also gave me another way to look at the name of your storybook. I love it! Your other story also had such a nice flow to it. I never get lost in reading your stories as I feel like your dialogue does a great job of moving your story along. I also really love the superman picture. I always picture Rama as being a superman of sorts.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
DeleteI'm back again, haha! I'm glad that you can't stop writing these stories, because I definitely can't stop reading them. I've said it before but I really love the setting and style you chose and you execute it really well every time. Things I particularly liked in "Justice" were how you described Ram's feelings toward Sita in the beginning and then brought her back in the end to give us a little glimpse of how their relationship starts. It's unfortunate that Hanuman couldn't fit into the story, since the story of the Sanjeevani is one of my favorites, but I think that ultimately it was the best decision for the story.
ReplyDeleteI think the hospital scene is also very well done and captures Ram's love for Lakshmana, and also the general feeling of going to visit a loved one in the hospital. The part about tuning out the doctor and only being able to register the lifeless look was very realistic. All in all, you did a great job, and I hope you get the chance to add one more story!
Aw thank you so much! I did add another story if you want to check it out :)
DeleteHi JoAnne, I cannot believe I have not visited your storybook until now! I read your introduction and your first story "Diabla's Revenge". I must say I really like what you've done to the story of Shurpanakha from the Ramayana, it was one of my favorite parts. Rama and Lakshmana really are a dynamic due and you do such a good job at expressing their relationship. They remind me of a Batman and Robin kind of a relationship (in their prime of course). Awesome job on portraying their relationship!
ReplyDeleteYour dialogue is very well written and easy to follow along! Well done on that.
I like the layout of your site, it is easily navigable. The only thing, I was trying to go back to your introduction and I could not see where to find it. Your stories were an option to go to but the introduction post was not.
Thank you! To get back to the introduction post all you have to do is click on the heading (The Adventures of Rama and Lakshmana title). It's a Tumblr site so sometimes navigation can be a bit weird, haha.
DeleteI had read most of your stories, but you have since added “Justice” and “The Beginning”. I loved them both! You are SUCH a powerful writer! In “Justice” I felt like I was part of an old detective movie. You are so powerful with your words! You did such a great job there. In “The Beginning” I loved that you flashed to various aspects of Rama and Sita’s life. It is common to have that question “where did it all go wrong?”. I love that you explored many different areas that it all went wrong. Of course, there was no specific point…it was a compilation of all of those things over the years! You did a great job of explaining that.
ReplyDeleteMy only advice would be to maybe have the events go in order. You skipped from eight years ago, to three years ago, to seven years ago, and so on. It was just kind of hard to follow. It might be easier to go in order (8, 7, 5, 3, etc.). Additionally you might consider putting the times in [brackets] or (parentheses) to make them stand out! It would be visually appealing as well.
Those are just my small suggestions. I absolutely loved your stories! You did such a great job!!!
Thank you! I'm really glad you liked it! I had the times italicized but for some reason it didn't show up in the final post, so I'll go back and fix that.
DeleteReading your storybook throughout the semester has been so entertaining! You truly give new life to the story by creating a totally new perspective to look at it from. Your last two stories wrap up the storybook very well. I particularly love the structure of your last story, "The Beginning". It reminds me of one of the creative ideas in Professor Gibbs blog, called "cumulative" story telling. If you look up "The House that Jack Built", you'll understand the basic idea of what it is. The only thing I would suggest is maybe adding a slight emphasis to when you switch to a different year. Perhaps, you could italicize or add an indent before these sentences. It doesn't need to be anything as huge as an extra line between the sentences, just something to catch the reader's attention. It has been a pleasure to read your brutally real stories full of action, love, and tragedy!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I'll have to check that out; I've never heard of "cumulative" story telling before. I had the times italicized originally but it's not showing up now, so I'll go back and fix that!
DeleteHey Joanne! I really liked this story because you did a good job integrating the original story and putting a new twist on it! You are a very poignant story writer and do such a good job putting in Rama’s perspective on being a hero. After having watched several other shows that have dealt with how a hero can struggle with what justice really is. I agree with what a few others have said and would really love to see the stories in order of how they take place. I also liked the photos that you have for each of the stories because they give some good orientation for the stories. Another technical thing to look at is how the story writing is showing up on the screen. Some of it becomes a little difficult to read because the words get shifted around. Otherwise as whole I really liked your story and the stie!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I kind of liked the randomness and moving around in time feel of having the stories out of order, but I'll think about it! I have heard that some people have that problem, not really sure how to fix it since I'm not seeing anything like that but I'll take another look!
DeleteHi Joanne! I have really enjoyed reading your stories this semester and I am so glad that I was assigned it once again so that I could read the final parts that i haven't had the chance to come back to! I really love that you have taken it all back to the beginning and really tightened everything up for your characters. The combination of a modern day story and the comic book heroes is absolutely awesome! I like that even though you have changed so many details of the story that the big picture is still the same and your stories stay true to the original in general. Your website is easy to navigate and it is easy to read your stories. Your stories kept my attention. I have enjoyed getting to know you through your stories and your storybook this semester. It was great to meet you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! It was great meeting you too and I also loved your stories!
DeleteHi Joanne!
ReplyDeleteI never knew tumblr could be such a great platform for a storybook! You normally just see posts that are pictures to reblog, so props to you for transforming tumblr like this. The Scooby-Doo vibe you have going on in your storybook is so entertaining. You forget that you're reading about Indian epics, and are transported into a world where the characters fight like super heroes but argue like siblings, which is priceless.
I'm not sure if it was part of your editing challenges each week, but your use of various verbs is really impressive. You've managed to get rid of all the boring "she said", "he went" and replaced them with imaginative verbs that better describe the scene.
The only part that confused me was that the last chapter is called "The Beginning" and how is was describing a scene that happened several years ago, but after a while, it made better sense. Bringing Rama and Sita's future life into the story was a great idea.
Thank you so much! I also really like the look of Tumblr and honestly I had no idea you could transform it that much when I first started out either! Thank you! I always try to incorporate more verbs because I feel like I usually have very bland ones. Ah yes, that was more to mirror the original story that inspired the whole storybook called "The End" which you should check out if you have time!
DeleteI read all of these back-to-back. I was only going to read one, but they were too good! Like Pringles, I couldn’t have just one! It’s pretty incredible how well you did with bringing it all into modern times. I felt like I was reading a modern thriller, or watching a crime-drama on Netflix. I’m not kidding either, these were *really* good. If you ever write a novel or novella definitely let me know! For realz.
ReplyDeleteIt’s hard to pick a favorite moment. Lakshmana in the hospital bed was great. Draupadi backing away “as if slapped,” was another good one. I think if I had to pick just one it’d be the disconnect between Lakshmana and Rama. When he threw the flyer in the trash I really felt the separation. It was sad, but written so well.
Overall, I’d say all your stories were legitatemly a delight to read. Like I said, I felt like I was reading a thriller short-story collection. Awesome job! Hope you had a good semester!
Thank you so much! I'm so happy so many people have liked my stories! I don't really have any plans to write a novel or anything, but if I ever have enough time I want to! My favorite moment is probably Lakshmana in the hospital too or Shurpanakha at the very beginning. Thank you so much! I really liked your stories at well! They're very creative and hilariously wry! I hope you had a good semester as well!
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